I don’t even know where to start. It’s 5:30 am, I woke up around 4 and was never able to fall back asleep. The only reason I fell asleep 3 hours before that is because I had to drink myself to sleep. I’m tired.
I’m tired of these thoughts and feelings. I’m tired of constantly thinking about how things could be different but never will be. I know they never will be. Life will never be the same. Everything reminds me the past.
I turned 21 not even a week ago, and I feel all the emotions I did before… I just try to drown them now. Nothing helps. Nothing. No drink, no pill, no substance can make these thoughts go away.
I think what upsets me most is I gave it my everything, I tried so hard, and I saw you did too, but it was just never enough. For either one of us, it was never enough.
You begged me to let you in, you begged and I let you. I let you know how I feel, and it was too much for you. I was obnoxious and annoying, constantly, desperately begging you to be my savor. I was so desperate for your love, I lost everything else. I lost myself, the respect I had for myself, my sanity, my appetite, and my physical well being. I gave it all for you, I devoted my life for you and you… You shoved me a love I’ll never get back, you always showed me I can’t fix someone who is already broken, and has been broken. You showed me hypocrisy, hate, anger, passion, and fear all at the same time.
It’s taking everything for me not to call you. It’s taking everything to just be alone. I said Instead of waiting around for you, I’d rather just know it won’t be there at all.
I’m drowning alone, just like I wanted.